Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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