Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
