I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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