I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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