well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
