Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Mom said you looked used
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
