I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize