You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
