Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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