Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
