i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
