remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
