I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
