I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
