my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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