Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
