Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
