New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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