I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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