dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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