I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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