I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
