Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
