I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
