Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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