I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
