hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
