My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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