I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
