??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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