please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
