I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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