they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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