i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
