my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
