She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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