Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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