He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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