I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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