well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
