i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
