Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
