So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
