dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
