first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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