Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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