I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
