if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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