Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
