Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Well I just put wine in my tea
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
