i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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