What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
