ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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