She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
