yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
