life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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