Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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