I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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