just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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