Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
