The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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